Alone. It’s a dark feeling. Feeling like no one sees you, or cares, or understands. It’s a feeling I’ve personally struggled with for as long as I can remember.

This post has been a long time coming. Those who follow closely know I haven’t written since July, although I’ve definitely had plenty to write about. As I sit here at midnight, taking a break from the stresses of my week to finally write the thoughts I’ve had noted down for the past few months, I hope God uses my struggles to show the incredible comfort I’ve found in Him.

Before I left my university and my home state for my internship this summer, I had a moment of sincere prayer in my church small group on an otherwise quiet night in April during which I heard clearly the voice of God saying that this summer would be a “spiritual battleground.” At the time, I didn’t know what that meant, or what that would look like. As the summer began, I thought that I must have misheard. I was surrounded by an incredible group of friends that clicked as soon as we all met, I enjoyed the work I was doing and the new city I was in, and everything seemed great.

Then, a few weeks in, I started realizing what God meant. I was feeling lonely and depressed in spite of the amazing things surrounding me, I was trying and failing to guard my heart from falling in the wrong direction, and I was spending more time with tear filled eyes and a physically aching heart than I ever had before. From the outside, everything was great. But inside, I felt lost and alone. Those feelings even manifested as a quick temper and excessive anger more than once, which made me even more frustrated with myself and how I was acting.

I learned a lot over the summer from that experience, my faith grew in many ways because of it, and by the end of it I thought everything was going to be okay. I even wrote about some of it in “Be a Man” and “The Spiritual Gym.” What I didn’t expect was for it to continue when I returned home.

A few weeks into the semester, my closest group of guy friends got together for a weekend of college football (and my birthday). I love all of these guys, and they knew all of the details of what troubled me over the summer and offered good, genuine counsel that I desperately needed. Yet, that same weekend, those feelings from the summer were still there. Even in a crowded room, surrounded by friends and in the middle of what had been a great weekend, there was a moment where I still felt totally alone. I was trapped in my own head, alone with my thoughts. I’m an introvert who tends to be pretty quiet anyway, but in that moment I was totally shut off, not talking to anyone, feeling lost.

Even as the semester has gone on, I’ve continued to struggle with the same issues, exasperated even further by the stress of all of my school, research and extracurricular commitments as well as preparing applications for PhD programs to start next fall. I’m pretty sure I’ve cried more in the last 4-5 months than I have in the last four years combined.

Through it all, though, I’ve heard God continuously pressing the same messages into my head. I may not know what my future holds, but God does, and it’s beyond what I could ever begin to imagine. I will never walk alone. I’ve worried about my career and finding my passion, about what next year and the following years of graduate school hold, and about when and where I’ll find my future wife. My graduate studies, my future wife and family, my mind, my soul, my career path, all of it lies in the hands of a good God who will never let me go and who always walks with me.

With God, we are NEVER alone.

God sees us, God cares for us, and God understands the pain we feel.

We don’t need to have a plan, and we don’t need to know everything, because God does. The trials, the thoughts that pursue and bog down my mind, and the pain in my heart may persist, but God is there walking with me through it all.

The Bible says it over and over:

Joshua 1:9 – “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Isaiah 41:10 – “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand.”

Isaiah 43:1-2 – “…Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned…”

Even in my darkest hours, hurting and even at times turning my back from God, He never left my side. He never stopped walking with me, guiding my steps, and lighting my path.

Housefires puts it beautifully in “Mountain to Valley,” proclaiming “when I don’t know what steps to take, when I don’t know what moves to make, this one thing I can’t escape: your love. When I don’t have the words to say, when I can’t seem to find a way, this one thing I can’t escape: your love.”

Kings Kaleidoscope’s song Rain speaks from the perspective of Jesus, saying “In the pouring rain, I will be the same. When you’re wandering, you and I will still remain. You’ll run to hide, deep in the night. Give up the fight, I am always on your side. In the pouring rain, I will never change. When you feel afraid, I am there to bear the weight. I’ll turn the tide, open the sky. You’ll be alright, I am always on your side. I am enough, always enough. You are enough, precious and loved. Morning will come, sure as the Son. I am enough, you are enough.”

The past several months and through the whole summer, I’ve often felt like I was in the middle of that pouring rain. I was lost in darkness and feeling overwhelmed by the weight of life and the heaviness of my heart and mind. But, even just this past Sunday, I’ve been reminded again and again that God is always with me and will never let me down. That includes every aspect of the future He’s planned for me since before I was even in the womb. God’s unending faithfulness and love for His children is always enough for us, even when we tend to wander or forget that promise. We are never alone.

 

Related Music:

Nothing Stands Between Us – John Mark McMillan

Counting On – John Mark McMillan

King of My Heart – John Mark and Sarah McMillan

139 – Kings Kaleidoscope

Rain – Kings Kaleidoscope

Trackless Sea – Kings Kaleidoscope

On and On – Housefires

Mountain to Valley – Housefires

 

Photo Credit: Daniel Wells