This has been a long time coming. I wrote “Good Enough” about a month ago, right before “final project season” and finals week hit at my university. Among all of that craziness, moving out of my apartment and across the nation to start my internship for this summer, and working on other things in between, my mind has been all over the place. Somehow, though, this same topic has come to my mind more times than I can count amidst all of those experiences.

The first time the desire of writing about the “Anchor” topic came to mind was after a particularly… odd day for me while at the university a few weeks ago. It was right before the last day of classes, my final projects were finalizing well, I had great conversations with friends, and I generally had what most people would call a great day. But for some reason, it wasn’t. It wasn’t anywhere close. The best way to describe it in short was I woke up in a funk, and I stayed that way. Regardless of how the day went, I was just constantly out of it. I snapped at a few friends and project partners a few times, I didn’t want to socialize with anyone at all, and I felt constantly angry with myself and those around me. I was dealing with anxiety over how my grades would end up, I was angry at myself for personal issues I’ve struggled with and for problems maintaining healthy eating and exercise habits, and I felt like I didn’t measure up to people around me and never would. My usual tactic of listening to good Christian music didn’t even help me. I was completely and totally out of it.

Then, sitting in my car late that night with music playing and tears coming down my cheeks, I suddenly smiled for the first time that day. I smiled because I felt God reminding me that my identity is not defined by my grades, my performance, or even my mental health. My identity is defined by God’s immeasurable grace towards me. The song playing in the background was Housefires’ “On and On,” leading into “This is Where I Belong.” They proclaim that even if we run to hide on the highest mountain, or in the lowest valley, God’s love which is deeper than any ocean goes on and on and will never end. This love is where we belong, bound in God’s arms, and it will never let go. Ever.

I felt totally lost that day, until I met my Anchor, surrendered to his strength, and bowed at his feet. Without Him, I wasn’t who I know He made me to be. I was unmoored.

Typically one would assume that a day like that would make me press in further after having that realization. But unfortunately, that day repeated itself this past Friday. It was the last day of my first week of work at my internship for the summer, work has been going well, my relocation to a new city and out of an awful living situation back at the university (long story) has been great, I’ve been getting back in a rock climbing gym here, and everything else seemed to be going absolutely fantastic. But, like before, this wasn’t the great day it should have been.

I was completely and wholly angry at myself, more so than I had ever been before. My goal has been for this summer to be a time of personal growth and working on becoming the kind of man I desire to be. Largely that includes two main categories. One is in regards to eating healthier and working out more consistently, which has been going well so far. The other is with regards to my faith, studying the word more, and being more intentional with my walk with God. That second goal has been lacking, to say the least. I’ve found myself slipping into old habits and patterns of sin, I hadn’t opened my bible more than once since arriving in this new city, and I felt lost. My emotions that day slowly boiled while at work to the point where I could physically feel the anger inside me and had to use every ounce of resistance in my body to not get up, throw my chair across the office and scream at the top of my lungs. If I wasn’t surrounded by other people, I would have. I felt like David wanting to rip his clothes and cry out to God in the streets. Once again I was completely and totally unmoored.

I spent most of that day fairly distracted from work, but kept falling back on the words and the music that got me through that same feeling a few weeks prior. God is my Anchor, my salvation, my peace, and my refuge in times of storm. My identity does not lie in my own failings, but in Him and His redemptive love and saving grace for me.

Hebrews 6:19 says “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure…” referring to the hope we have in God’s promises to us.

One of my favorite songs over the past year or so has been “Anchor” by Josh Garrels and Beautiful Eulogy. “Anchor of my soul, you sustain. When I’m in the storm you remain good to me. When it’s a quarter past midnight and the grey skies fade to black, the waves splash and set me off track; so my vessel might crash or collapse, when I’m attacked and start wrestling in my head with these bad memories from my past. I’m aware of my guilt, overwhelmed and the smell of my blood has the sharks that surround me cast under a spell. They waited for me to fall but when I fell the water got still, and the blood that was spilled protects me, it’s the same blood that cleansed me. My only defense against my nemesis, now I can rest knowing that nothing can come against me unless the Father gives consent. Evil intentions will not disturb God’s purposes or interfere so who shall I fear if my Anchor is secure?”

That image gets me every time. When I feel like I’m falling into an ocean of sharks, or falling into the lion’s den like Daniel, God calms the waters and shuts the mouths of lions. NOTHING can stand against us when God is on our side.

Most of the year I’ve been both jamming and relating to Deraj’s “Goodish,” which laments the phenomenon of floating through life pretending to be happy, saying “it’s all good(ish).” He aptly described my situation and its solution, saying “wherever you go, seems like you got so much pain in your soul, I need you to know, know that you ain’t got to do this alone, no no no. Don’t you believe the lie, they say the grass is greener if you’re on the other side no no no, I’ve seen it with my eyes, everything you’re going through is a blessing in disguise. Just know that we’ve been there too, looked outside my rear view, they look like they hate life, sometimes I hate life too, and some days I just feel like, like I ain’t got that right to, but I know what you feel like, and I don’t know who I’m writing to but we all go through the same things.” It later talks about that feeling I’ve felt of not measuring up to those around us (check out my last post, Good Enough for more on that). But these feelings are feelings many people have, and they’re feelings that God knows how to address and heal very well too.

Anchors are used during sea travel to keep a ship from moving by mooring it to the sea bottom. Most of us think of one type of anchor when we picture them (shown in the cover photo), but there are several different types of anchors that were commonly used in the days where maritime travel was at its peak. There are anchors for soft or hard sea bottoms, for deep water, for shallow water, and for combinations of each. When Hebrews mentions God being an anchor for our hope, this adaptability stands out. God is THE anchor, one that can adapt to keep us rooted no matter what type of waters we’re treading through, that will keep us rooted to solid ground regardless of the storms and raging seas around us.

I know I have a long way to go in the goals I’ve set for this summer. But what becomes more and more clear to me as the days go on is that I will never be able to reach them without first setting my anchor securely in place to withstand any storms that come my way, whether those storms are coming from the situations around me or from my own mind and selfish desires. The song that played on repeat for me during my break down at work this past Friday was “Dust We Are and Shall Return” by The Brilliance, which repeats “Be still my soul and let it go, just let it go. Be still my soul, Lord make me whole.”

My prayer as I seek to let go, let down my anchor and let God do the work is finalized in yet another song lyric (from Gungor’s “The End”), proclaiming “Love is the yes to it all. Somehow I know that my heart will keep breaking, but may it stay open and soft ’til I am finally back to the source of it all.”

I know that this won’t be the last time my emotions get the best of me, the last time I’ll struggle to find my place where I’m at, or the last time I’ll forget to let my anchor down. But I know that through all the heartbreak I will face, and through all of the storms, my Anchor will always be there to rescue me and keep me secure.

 

Related Music:

“Anchor” – Josh Garrels, Beautiful Eulogy

“On and On,” “This Is Where I Belong” and “Mountain to Valley” – Housefires

“You Carry Me” and “Looking For a Savior” – United Pursuit

“Goodish” – Deraj

“Dust We Are and Shall Return” – The Brilliance

“It’s Not Enough” – The Modern Post

“The End” – Gungor

 

P.S. – If you haven’t listened to Andy Mineo’s EP “I: The Arrow” yet, go listen. Like, now.

 

Photo: from a yelp review of a pier in San Francisco (my own picture didn’t turn out very well 😦 )